Thought of the day...

Been talking to John just now.... and well.. realised alot of things... suddenly... actually is 1 very big thing....

We were talking about schools and stuffs... i realised one thing... actually is reminded by him... something i has always felt but never really go and think about it..... I have never been successful..... in anyway.... or in most of the way....

In primary school.... i didn't really have much aim of my own... just followed the footsteps of my brother.... we were in the same primary school and secondary school... guess i looked up to him alot.. and never really had my own thinking... so i can't say i am successful at that time....
But one thing i remembered i did that was my own target.... i completed the 12 badges of the "Young Scientist" thingy... although also got alot of help from my brother~~~
And well.. i also manage to get the "Singa" award.. something given to courteous people~~~ on my own~~~.....
Hmm.... primary school still not bad.... got some bursary also....

In secondary school... hmm.... i guess this was the real start of my "no success" process.... i didn't achieve much.. actually didn't achieve anyhing... not in my 2 CCAs.... NPCC and track... academic wise.... sucks.... to the max...
In NPCC, i falied to become one of the NCOs... becasue of some mis-understanding or "created" misunderstandings... haiz... don't wana talk about it... that was a real bad time....
Track and field wise... although VS track and field was quite good... i never contributed much to it... i can get golds in school.. but on the national level.... i got "thrashed".. literally... and never got into the top 8 position......
No matter how hard i train, how much passion i have, and how much effort i put into in... i still can't get it....

In junior college, well... my first failure was a lousy O level aggregate... so end up in SRJC.... it's no choice one.. then just anyhow "pia" a JC.. go in... try to get to University form there....
Here... i got 2 CCAs.. again.... and well... the same happened for both...
Track and field... my passion for throwing continued... but i guess i really didn't have the talent, or the school-work stress is really affecting me... i was better than my seniors, win them all... but what good is that? I still get thrashed at National level.. didn't get into my target of top 8.... only managed a 13 in year 2.....
One factor that contirbuted to it...was the coaching part... first coach too fierce... second coach too soft... and i never train much in the gym.. lost my strength... lost my muscles...lsot my technique....
ODAC wise... well.. maybe i got some success in becoming the president... i dono why also....
Seriously, i have never expected myself to be able to become one... there were so many other hot favourites.... how did i manage to squeeze in? Luck? Fate?
And even as a president... i realised that i have failed...terribly... in my own expectations.... so many things i did't go and arrange and do.... so many things i could have changed.. but i didn't... dono why? stress again? or simply just no experience?
Even the simple thing of working harmously with my fellow ODACians.... i never quite achieved that.... is it me? them? us? me too stubborn?
Relationship wise... didn't even managed one.....
Eagels award? To be honest... i knew i was not worthy of it.... think it was some sort of sympathy award for people like me.... sucky academic.... then do alot of useless things in CCA... then give an award to give me some face like that....
A level.... well... honestly... i was not confident of it.... seriously... maybe i got more than other exams.. but on the whole... i just have no confidence...
SOTY.... forget about it liao.. that was like the most exaggerating target i have for myself.... it's too far for me.....

All in all.. i must say... i have failed to meet my expectations everytime..... every single time.. since secondary school.... i have always made so much promises to myself... but never really seek to achieve it... sometimes is no will... sometime just simply giving myself too many other excuses..... and that's why i told John that i just want to work in something i am happy with... because i dare not face up to the word "success" again... i was never worthy of it....
Success... i can spell it... but what good is that?

Haiz.... just some reflections.... think too much free time.. then start to think alot of things... my past... if given a time-machine... i would definitely go abck to change all this.... but haiz... not quite possible... and the only word i have for myself... is simply just to "move on".... move on.... how? to where? i dono.... just move on....

Did i have too high an expectation for myself? i dono... just move on ba....

But something to console myself... i guess will be the success of making good friends throughout this years of failure.... my VS class guy gang... SRJC class guy gang...SRJC VSNPCC gang....my tu-er.... well... all these ... i guess we were more than just friends... thank you all for being there for me~~~ ( of course also got alot of others... just that i mentioned this few more close one...^_^)

But i guess... life still goes on... maybe the failures are meant to be there.... meant for me to learn from it... eventually.... the future... no one knows what it holds.... so i guess i can only move on.... work towards it.... and see how it turns out.... good or bad.... i am the one who decides it~~~

Just some thoughts....